Facebook

• because I called my boyfriend "retarded"
• because I cut off my abusive, controlling parents after my mother tried to get me involuntarily committed for not opening the door when she was pounding on it
• for unknown reasons

Livejournal

• because our mental illnesses made us think we were the same person until my murderous alter tried to kill her bitchy ego state
• for being manipulative, untrustworthy, and "faking" an illness
• for shipping Dean/Meg (from SPN)
• didn't like me comparing her behavior to that of my sexually abusive ex-boyfriend. Oops.
• for telling someone they may not have autism

physical :

• bronchitis
• chronic otitis media
• chronic streptococcal sore throat
• endometriosis
• irritable bowel syndrome
• laryngitis

mental :

• dissociative identity disorder
• post-traumatic stress disorder (prolly w/BPD traits)

• when I drink caffeine
• first day of pd?
• in large crowds

celebrities i would leave my boyfriend for :

• chris evans
• cote de pablo
• emma watson
• james roday
• maggie gyllenhall
• matt bomer
• matthew grey gubler
• pauley perrett
• sam huntington
• sean murray
• shemar moore
• tim dekay
• tj thine
• toni collette

things i want :

• a full-time job
• a house
• coats
• DVDs
• jewelry/baubles
• money
• music
• nice clothes
• puppy
• rings
• sanity
• shoes
• tattoos
• time
• treatment

Facebook

• being a creeper from high school
• being on my mother's side of the family; I don't need spies
• having no interest in anything they posted
• posting fucking baby pictures ALL THE GODDAMN TIME
• saying that you have no respect for anyone who smokes, while simultaneously being one of the most immature people ever
• you are my friend's bf and have found me on EVERY social/professional networking site that I am a part of and are sending me long, bizarre PMs about how you just want me to "understand where you're coming from" about a disagreement we had months ago. No thanks.
• Your posts are boring.

Livejournal

• The Dissociative Mind : by Elizabeth F. Howell
• The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization : by Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis, Kathy Steele
• The Suicidal Mind : Edwin S. Shneidman
• Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder by James L. Spira

• “Indeed, she often wondered if she were dead, or dying from the inside out, and that was the root of her calm, the reason she could surrender her character.” ~Gregory Maguire, A Lion Among Men
• I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense. ~Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife
• It is a negative sort of achievement, she thinks, to have spent a life warding something off. –Adam Haslett, “The Volunteer”
• I wrote you a poem on my wrists. I used a razor as a pen and I signed my name in blood. But you wouldn’t read it. ~written by Molly Ringwald’s character in Surviving
• I suppose that the human mind can only st..._Mister God, This is Anna_

things i want (that other people have) :

• a full-time job
• a house
• better skin
• close siblings
• cuddly pets
• faster metabolism
• loving families
• sanity
• support
• thicker hair

things i should be doing (but never do) :

• being genuine
• being nice
• cleaning
• keeping in touch
• laundry
• making an effort
• organizing
• staying grounded
• symptom management
• trauma processing

alternatives to suicide/self-harm :

• draw
• go for a drive
• listen to music
• scream
• snap a rubber band
• take a shower
• take a walk
• talk to someone
• turn the lights on
• use scented lotion
• visualization exercises
• watch a kid's movie
• watch criminal minds
• write

• constantly having to second-guess all of your opinions
• hating everyone because suddenly you feel so vulnerable and exposed that you feel the need to start lashing out randomly at people
• knowing that regardless of how much thought you put into dealing with a situation, it's still going to blow up in your face
• remembering that you used to be friends with someone, and having no memory of any interactions or why you're not friends anymore
• wishing you would have just slept the whole day away
  • and then feeling like a piece of shit when you actually do

• armor for sleep - "a quick little flight"
• ben folds - "zak and sara"
• cold - "sad happy"
• deep purple - "smoke on the water"
• doris day - "bushel and a peck"
• eve 6 - "friend of mine"
• finch - "stay with me"
• live - "lightning crashes"
• simple plan - "i'd do anything"
• sublime - "wrong way"
• three days grace - "i hate everything about you"
• train - "drops of jupiter"
• trapt - "echo"

(to be continued...)

things:

• attics / basements
• cliffs / high ledges
• hanging my leg / arm off the bed
• locked doors
• loud noises
• quiet rooms
• sharks
• the dark

people:

• (j)'s dad
• (n)
• (r)

things i am good at :

• accessorizing
• braiding hair
• dissociation
• giving advice
• my job
• organization
• problem-solving
• reading people
• sarcasm
• shopping
• singing

things i love to consume :

• applesauce
• chips and salsa
• coffee
• diet sierra mist
• hummus
• mozzarella sticks
• reese's cups
• stuffing
• tea
• veggie wraps
• water

things that piss me off :

• abusive relationships
• being mothered
• being patronized
• disabling comments
• fake laughing
• invalidation
• loud, unexpected noises
• manipulation
• narcissists
• the pc police
• unreasonable egos
• white knight complexes