- How to write a lot.
- Writing with the perfect pen. Inky, smooth, jet black, a broad tip, gliding over the paper.
- And yeah: buying pens. Like a kid in the candy store. Can't resist.
- Getting a candle for my room. Just because. A tiny bit of November feeling in sunny Oaxaca.
- Speaking of which... my room! I was craving solitude after a week in dorms. I'm such a loner at heart. I loved that the walls in the courtyard and my room were the same shade of purple as my favourite bedsheets at home that I miss so much. The property is on a hill which makes getting there quite the workout. But the view is always worth it. * Confusing the neighborhood cats by singing the song of their people. The good toilet paper. Cristina and her twins, so bubbly and nerdy, latina through and through.
- A cinnamon red wall matching my bra and dress and hair tie. I've decided that it's MY colour now.
- Diego offering to adopt me because sadly I have no Mexican ancestry.
- Making a WhatsApp sticker set with my most stupid facial expressions.
- Paulina. I love how people with mental health issues tend to find each other. Restless seekers. Language nerds. She actually studied photography and Sanskrit!
- Telling Paulina about the book Alone with You in the Ether. Immediately wanting to re-read it. But also: to create my own universe. Play god. So that means I have to write a book now?
- A truly tiny cherry chapstick. Artificial cherry aroma just hits different.
- Buying copal oil. Smells very ceremonial.
- Light night. Breakfast bagel for dinner.
- A dream: I lay with a lioness and a crocodile and at first they behaved but then suddenly attacked. Hidden message?
- A firm massage only on the right side of my back. So good. Learning that I should only do strength training on the left and stretching on the right side of my body.
- Nostalgic teenage revival video clips on a coffee high.
- Liking myself in the mirror wearing a white shirt with messy hair.
- Do sending me a gif of Lorelai kissing Luke and it's so easy to imagine her as Luke and me as Lorelai. All the feels.
- Breakfast sandwiches. Cheese and egg. All I really need. Yum.
- Massage at Xolotl. Purr-fect. They set up a small aquarium during my treatment and I named the big red fish with blue stripes Casimiro.
- Taking the night bus. Staying busy with my vocabulary app. Looking out the window, passing a random mezcaleria sign: SENTIR, brightly glowing letters in the dark. I believe in messages.
- Feeling very close to Do after two phone calls. Talking about our issues, school, queerness, our negativity bias, what makes people interesting, first impressions, labels, her first partner. Our favourite bowls and spoons. Asking her to dream of me. Her admitting that she has dirty fantasies of me.
- Developing this plot with Do on the phone: about a bunch of narrators. Omniscient, unreliable. Who are overwhelmed with their tasks since the invention of the internet/ having to deal with their own decisions. What an interesting/promising idea! Famous authors as narrators?
- Wearing lipstick for the first time in months. Refreshing.
- Hierve el Agua! Swimming in a natural mineral water infinity pool with the most gorgeous view of the mountain valley. Petrified waterfalls in the distance. Someone taking pictures of me I actually liked. Meeting a gay couple from New Orleans who showed up in full rainbow gear. Visiting the biggest tree in Mexico.
- Johnny Lee Miller als John Major in The Crown. Dreaming of my mum as Princess Diana.
- Downloading a meditation and vocabulary app. Actually working with them.
- Getting the feedback from my therapist that I've changed. That I'm more present. Authentic, feeling. Less volatile, less diversion through humour etc. And she confirmed everything I'd found out and analysed by myself.
- Bioluminescence. It's like making magic. The sparkles following your every movement. The starry sky.
- Sitting in a hammock chair at the beach with a fresh coconut. Scratching off the flesh with the straw.
- Walking past a turtle cadaver. Super fascinating.
- Lunaticart Gallery. Buying overpriced/extremely cool earrings - I immediately knew that I wanted them. The gallery inspired a vision I had about a business I'd like to own: a 2in1 studio and store - working and creating whenever there are no clients. Offering limited editions and collections so I can follow all my changing interests. The aesthetic: Atelier Brancusi meets fortune teller tent.
- I've noticed two things: I have no problems fitting into flimsy plastic chairs anymore and I can suddenly wrap a regular towel around my waist without a gap! Am I getting... Slimmer? Exciting.
- A free ride to Mazunte from one of the dudes from the bioluminescence tour! Nice! And the lady on the bus who offered me the seat next to her. Lifesaver.
- A girl walking past my breakfast table. She had the most gorgeous tattoos. Layered cresent moons in various sizes as a chest piece. An eye surrounded by rays on her arm.
- The waiter who made me a smoothie with passion fruit even though it wasn't on the menu and played march music the whole time. I was torn between loving and hating it (because it reminded me of Bavarian marching bands). The guy also had asymmetric earrings and a very nice smile. How can people be so happy. In a service job. I admire that.
- Just hanging out at the beach. Sunday. Affogato and fruit salad. Researching Cher's career - she keeps reinventing herself and she's amazing at everything she does. Listening to a podcast on happiness. Realising that I love power ballads. Banter with Do. Feeling connected. My feet in the sand.
- Observing the silhouette of the palm leaves during sunset, all the shapes and patterns they're creating.
- Waking up early. Catching sunrise over the beach. All the colours, hues, gradients. Rays. Interesting cloud formations.
- The From Pain to Peace workshop at Hridaya. So many insights. Learning. Important lessons. Lovely connections with lovely people. Giving each other massages. Mirroring feelings, holding space for each other. Looking into each other's eyes, singing to each other. Beautiful.
- Stahsha was there again and somehow I was less intimidated by her this time. I wonder if something has changed about me? People actually talked to me, thought I was interesting, approachable, desirable. Am I getting rid of my fear of people? Are they feeling it? I love the impression that I'm making progress.
- Malik, another participant. I had such a big crush on him. He gave off John Lennon in Nowhere Boy vibes. More alternative and vulnerable though. With a Jim Morrison aesthetic. A sexy/messy/wavy mullet and nerd glasses. Big tattoos. Very blue eyes and a sharp jaw line. He seemed quirky, always had his head tilted. I would have loved to get to know him. But I'm shy. And happy about learning that I can still feel such a strong attraction to someone despite my high standards and past experiences.
- The big ginger cat who I thought of as my bro and guardian because he liked sleeping on the chair in front of my dorm.
- Compliments for my black and white triangle dress and for my beautiful singing voice (three people approached me and actually asked me if I am a professional singer). Luzma also said she loved how forthright and direct I am. It's fascinating to learn about an outsider's perspective and what they see in me. I wonder if they're able to see clearer or are more objective. In any case, I love comparing their observations with my own. They're often quite different. How interesting!
- Luzma's style. Guessing correctly that she's an artsy person (and yeah, she used to be a graphic designer). Her edgy glasses. Abstract art shirt. Short hair and interesting jewellery.
- Vegan samosas, matcha, a coconut and piña paleta. Taking photos at the beach. Saying goodbye to the Pacific.
- Feeling truly happy and grateful during the taxi ride after leaving Mazunte. Millie (my Mexican part-time mum!) had made me a sandwich and somehow that meant a lot to me. Just being considered, someone thinking of me. She and her daughter Frida took me along and didn't even want me to pay anything. The kindness of strangers. How humbling. I took in the beautiful landscape, thought about how lucky I was to experience all that, tears in my eyes.
- Making sense of my insights from the workshop during a long phone call with Do while waiting outside the airport for hours.
- All the immersion experiences I had in Mexico. Reset, MicroEnormous, the 420 ceremony (sense deprivation but a sensory experience at the same time through smells, airflow, interesting noises, breathwork, singing... and all the beautiful roses).
- Being open to new experiences. Practicing letting go.
- Finding a tiny glitter star pendant under the seat in front of me on the plane. And another little plastic silver star on the floor while standing in line at the museum. Taking it as a sign from the universe.
- Lisa O'Connor's A Radiant Life 11/11 class: Kundalini, mantras, feeling the love.
- Listening to choir music during meditation. Missing my own choir so much.
- Visualising hugging my best friends, my mum. Feeling the love so much I cried. Imagining that I'm already leading the life I imagine for myself. That I'm happy, healthy, loved, fulfilled, beautiful and at ease. Acknowledging what I already have (achieved). The power of thoughts is absolutely astonishing. I want to do visualization exercises more often.
- Having the feeling that I'm actually able to support my friends. Being there for them from a distance. Giving advice, sharing my learnings and insights, seeing things resonate with them. Receiving gratitude and emotional support in return.
- Casa Pancha! I loved the design and architecture and... my blanket! Crisp white sheets, crinkly, amazing fresh laundry smell.
- Sketching in museums. Being surrounded by art.
- Mora Mora vegan fast food - I had cauliflower in ginger marinara, the truffle burger and a blue smoothie.
- Wearing my cinnamon red dress with purple lipstick.
- A nice conversation with the Uber driver. Compliments for my Spanish.
- Just smiling when facing difficulties.
- Another Spoil yourself rotten Sunday. I went to a museum. Passed an artist's market. Bought a Björk bag from a feminist book store. Had tiramisu and cappuccino in a lovely Italian restaurant courtyard. Took an Uber to get a Thai massage with Xavier which felt very intimate and nice. Dinner was vegan ramen and orange "chicken".
- Finally visiting Casa Azul. Seeing Frida's bedroom. Patti Smith's poem for her about Noguchi's butterflies. All her books and the items she collected. The garden. Right there and then I decided to become a very rich and famous painter. Bisexual, international lifestyle, with gorgeous clothes and jewellery. And a house like Casa Azul with enough space for all my lovers and friends to live with me.
- My first Yoga Nidra session with Elena at Casa Pancha. And soft morning yoga with Amy. Yoga is always so helpful for my body but I'm usually too lazy to do it. Horrible. Why do I resist a practice that is so good for me?
- The Ripndip flagship store. I need one of their sweaters asap.
- Two monarch butterflies in Bosque Chapultepec.
- Museo Tamayo, chilling in the cinema rooms. All the beautiful things in their gift shop.
- Playing Lotería with Marisol and the mesera. Drinking chai latte and ponche. Chasing after Agata, the resident cat. Intercultural communication.
- Vegan tacos. Tarot cards on the walls at the street food place. The piggy dog toy. Oink!
- A domed roof at the modern art museum that looked like you were standing directly under the sun or a glowing yellow planet. Sketching a statue of two ladies in the garden.
- Stumbling upon Wednesday on Netflix. Obviously I loved the "possessed" dance scene at the Rave'n, inspired by Siouxsie and the Banshees and 80s goth dance moves. Catherine Zeta-Jones as Morticia was a fantastic choice as well (even though I'll always be partial to Anjelica Huston, she's such an icon).
jan 27 2023 ∞
feb 1 2023 +