i love you because you (5/21)

• rejuvenate me—(i’ve got the fresh of early spring in the midst of an oncoming summer of deep heat, you’ve granted me radiance and i exude it in your absence, thankful, productive, focused)
• place the springs beneath my heels, have my sharp turns taken in remembrance have purpose, confidence, and poise
• prompt smiles on the bus, silent though bustling, when no one but the security camera is watching
• tell me now, before i can even ask, when i will see you again with certainty and faith
• remind me, again and again, that love does not have to exist with that ever-lurking, constantly present trapdoor waiting to meet me. that was so hard, you know. i never knew before you. thank you.
• thank you, thank you, thank you.

love as i see it / moments of love i see clearly in my mind (6/5)

• a blue light over the single silhouette of someone/everyone i love
  • standing in a doorway, facing an unrelenting dark blue, the very shade that stirs all the melancholy you go great lengths to avoid as i approach, lead footed and cautious.
    • they turn to face me and smile so their eyes squint, near blinded by happiness, and tell me, "won't you come stay awhile?"
      • i'm almost too nervous to say yes, but i do, and i do, i stay.
• yellow toned room, gold in our skin, soft lips, rough hands running idly and constant through hair i thought no one would ever be able to get their fingers through.
  • quiet, except for a song beautiful but of low quality, a hidden gem, a scrap found in the trash can and salvaged, loud enough so that the speakers vibrate. bubbly beats, sweet croons, sounds like the long drive home back to where you feel safe. radiating warmth, seeking offering and trading comfort, we chose physical because it's the only way we've been taught. no self consciousness, bare all over, untangling our complications and laying it on the bedside table like car keys we'll remember to pick back up before we leave. things are easy here in that we acknowledge they've never been. a mutual understanding.
    • happiness is so present it has its own temperature, its own aura, its own place at the foot of the bed, stretched out and content, laying its legs between us
      • still you press down on the middle of my bottom lip, my thumb finds your side and lays quietly on that spot in your stomach where it is unusually soft, one single tear quickly chased after by two more slide from my right eye to the left side of my face before i look and smile up at you, prompted by some somber realization i've been trying to duck and dive from for a very, very long time.
        • comfort in your heat, sittin shirtless with something pretty, thin and gold hanging from such a powerful, thick neck, kissed brown and absorbing this yellow light like an old friend. when you leave the light stays on, turns green, and i am sick with grief.
• the way your lips feel on my skin still haunts me, takes me by surprise when i start to feel sentimental and lonely. what a gift, you are.
• just checking in to wonder, place a note on your door frame, ask if you miss me now that you know that no one will ever love you quite the same, or as much, or as unconditionally as i did.
  • i did good by you, i always do
    • there's someone who likes me more than i like them and i'm imagining what it was like to be you back then. did you feel this unbearable and pitiable ache too? (8/8)
• the flesh of my shoulder still remembers your playful bite and the way you knew just where to lay your head so that it was comfortable for us both.
  • i haven't felt so immediately comfortable with someone in so long
    • for a little bit, i was just playing along, but when you took my hands and lead me away to dance and sung clear and true and pretty, i felt for the first time what a blush probably feels like as that warmth spread across my face from being stunned.
      • tapping the face of my watch, wondering why everything good comes in such bad timing (6/1)
• dancing and erring around "i could have you" and "i can't/don't want to keep you"
  • cut my teeth on these dreams of concrete knowing it's really vapor, it's nothing. with time, i hope
• it took me a while to realize that i was the one with midas hands all along
  • assured, radiant, sprawling, sprawling. i court greatness and almost touch her gentle these days, you're just a shadow i can't wait to make disappear once night falls and the moon turns her light away from you
    • i used to think those hands of yours and the attention they bestowed me made me into gold but it was my own invention, shy from the limelight